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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Feeling Lonely?

Posted in Hope, tagged on February 2, 2011| Leave a Comment »

It seems that the biggest fear of most people in the city is feeling lonely.  The feeling is even more compelling when you know that you are in the middle of the most populated metropolitan cities of the world and yet you still feel alone.  That feeling is quite chilling indeed.  Singles are longing for relationships because they are sick and tired of being alone, and at the same time, couples split up because they feel alienated by their partners in various means.  Usually, the pain of being alone is the number one hurdle anyone needs to endure over a breakup or a divorce. 

According to relationship coach (!) Rinatta Paries, “One of the marks of maturing emotionally is learning to bear with or even thrive when alone.  And your successful ability to be alone is what allows you to have the best relationships of your life. The successful ability to be alone can mean the ability to feel alone and lonely without the need to seek someone out to fill the void.  It can also mean being alone but not being lonely, with the void filled with creativity of self-expression, or passion for pursuit of something that matters to you.”

It sounds really pathetic, cause we have always been taught that we should both take care and at the same time depend on each other in a meaningful relationship.  However it is somehow also this dependency that causes friction and mistrust between a couple, leading to an eventual breakup.  How disillusioning?

Well, the reality is that there is really no way around it.  We just have to be better at combating loneliness in life.   Seeing how others behave, I am advocating the following “Don’ts” in times of vulnerability:

  • Don’t pity yourself in emotional songs, movies, novels  or TV.  Some people tell me that they need a good cry, but I have the feeling that we already have enough material ourselves to make us cry our eyes out.  So wallowing in romantic tragedies only makes us fall deeper into our depression, which also makes it harder and longer to regain confidence in starting over.
  • Don’t resort to fortune-telling or tarot cards or the like.  I know it’s tempting to try to get some sensing out of all the broken pieces, but such baseless advice may prolong unsubstantiated pain or misery, over some “miracles” that could never happen.  Fate is in our own hands.
  • Don’t over occupy yourself.  Some people prefer to take up projects that will make themselves busy, be it taking up a new hobby, adopting a pet, or renovating their homes.  While there is nothing wrong with these constructive activities, rushing into things too soon may reinforce the reality of loneliness further.   Substituting intimacy with other human beings for a big project may pave a longer path of unhappiness.

So what are the “Dos?”

  • Talk to your friends that you trust.  Open yourself up with people and try to move a little closer emotionally to people you like.  Enough with the superficial chats.  Your friends can only be as close to you as you are with them.
  • Learn how to strike up meaningful conversations with new people.  Again, I’m not talking about the easy exchanges on what’s good to eat or meaningless gossips over other people.  Come on, aren’t these “friends” or acquaintances the reason you feel lonely in the first place?  It’s not the 798 friends on your Facebook profile page that makes your life fulfilling.
  • Surround yourself with the right crowd of friends.  Okay, I don’t mean to sound like an elitist, because there is no definition as to what the right crowd means to everyone.  I am told that the right sorts of people are those they give you energy instead of taking it away from you.  I like this definition because I think it’s very powerful.
  • Don’t demand sympathy.  Your true friends will surely take care of you, support you and encourage you without you even asking.  There is a difference between opening up yourself, asking for help, and being whinny and needy.

It certainly takes a great deal of courage and determination, but what doesn’t?

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The 5 Stages of Grief

Posted in Frown, tagged on January 27, 2011| 1 Comment »

Many people have heard about the 5 stages of the grieving process.  Maybe it’s a lucky thing that I wasn’t aware of it until a year ago when a good friend of mine introduced me to this.  With so much unwanted despair around our personal lives and from what we read on the news, I am revisiting this as well as sharing with my loved ones, all with the intention to look at the light at the end of the tunnel, in this upcoming new year.

Regardless of the nature of the loss it might be, every one of us mourns differently.  According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning.  One has to note that we may not necessarily experience these stages in one fluid order.  We may actually go back a stage at one time, or go through some of the stages more than once.  Why?  Because there are triggering incidences everywhere.  It may be another friend’s stories, movies or TVs programs, or finding an old greeting card or an item of clothing stashed somewhere, unexpectedly.

  • Denial

No, this is not me.  It is not happening.  He/she will change his/her mind.  No one is dead, I am expecting him/her to walk through the door anytime soon.

  • Anger / Resentment

Why me?  Why did you do it?  Why are you deliberately hurting me?

  • Bargaining

If I do this, you will do that.  If you’ll stay, I will change.  If you bring him/her back God, I will be a better person.

  • Depression

It’s really happened.  Nothing is going to change.  Acknowledgement brings deep depression.  Often a quiet, withdrawn time.

  • Acceptance

This is what happened.  You can now begin to move forward. 

Speaking from experience, my advice is to really take the much-needed time to go through all 5 of the above stages.  There is no need to rush.  Someone who jumps right into acceptance the next day after a breakup or a loss in the family is only kidding himself or herself.  If we tell ourselves that it is okay to feel unhappy, lost, mad and disillusioned, it will help.  At times of despair, I seriously don’t think one needs to pretend he is a hero.

What my friends told me is so true.  Always, always take care of your own feelings.  Nurture yourself spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  No one else can do it but you.  Eat healthy, exercise and let yourself take time to grieve.  Needless to say, share with your trusted friends and advisers.  Showing signs of vulnerability is the strongest character building ritual everyone should go through, once in a while.

 

 

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Honesty and Vulnerability – Eat, Pray, Love… in Taipei (Part Four)

Posted in Grin, Hope, tagged , , on January 14, 2011| 1 Comment »

We so-called city folks are full of ourselves.  We think we are street-smarts and hence we are constantly guarded against everyone around us.  Indeed there are loads of crooks out there prying on the least prepared and the most gullible.  Though as residents of almost every fast-paced city, we should all learn to be a bit more accepting, and a bit more compassionate to people around us. 

We never want to lose out, so when we interact with people, a mental calculator surfaces that shows us what potential benefits, or trouble, we can get from the other party.  Shall we be friendly, or shall we just nod along politely?  What are the odds that we will be taken advantage by him or her?  What do they want from me? 

Not until I left the city and entered into a new surrounding did I realize how ridiculous our behavior could be.  I came into contact with all kinds of people in Taipei, and I received a lot of friendly treatments from all of them.   The people I met genuinely wanted to share life stories with me.  They opened up, and they took the time to invest in conversations. 

And I don’t mean hollow conversations where people only talk about what food they have eaten, cars they drive, or how much money they make.  I don’t think people should need these topics to justify their existence or value on the planet. 

I was greeted by very sincere folks in Taipei who were genuinely interested in knowing about each other.  I met people who openly shared their darkest secrets and insecurities with me, a stranger from Hong Kong whom they had never met before.  Though I cannot recall the last time I experienced it here at home, I didn’t find that odd at all.  It should be human nature.  The conversations I was engaged in were always candid, honest and at times vulnerable.  I like that on people.

In my mind, everyone should possess a certain level of confidence.  Showing your vulnerabilities is not a sign of weakness.  If you have inner qualities that excel amongst others, people will feel it without you needing to flaunt it.  Confident people, as long as they are not cocky, are incredibly attractive.  Insecure people, on the other hand, are usually despised and almost hated by others.  When I see people who are humble and willing to improve upon themselves, you will see me throwing myself at them like a moth to a flame.

Sounds like a bunch of random thoughts, but I owe it to Taipei who reaffirmed me on the goodness of people in the start of 2011.  Thank you.

 

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