Confessions of a Corporate Shopaholic

It seems that the biggest fear of most people in the city is feeling lonely.  The feeling is even more compelling when you know that you are in the middle of the most populated metropolitan cities of the world and yet you still feel alone.  That feeling is quite chilling indeed.  Singles are longing for relationships because they are sick and tired of being alone, and at the same time, couples split up because they feel alienated by their partners in various means.  Usually, the pain of being alone is the number one hurdle anyone needs to endure over a breakup or a divorce. 

According to relationship coach (!) Rinatta Paries, “One of the marks of maturing emotionally is learning to bear with or even thrive when alone.  And your successful ability to be alone is what allows you to have the best relationships of your life. The successful ability to be alone can mean the ability to feel alone and lonely without the need to seek someone out to fill the void.  It can also mean being alone but not being lonely, with the void filled with creativity of self-expression, or passion for pursuit of something that matters to you.”

It sounds really pathetic, cause we have always been taught that we should both take care and at the same time depend on each other in a meaningful relationship.  However it is somehow also this dependency that causes friction and mistrust between a couple, leading to an eventual breakup.  How disillusioning?

Well, the reality is that there is really no way around it.  We just have to be better at combating loneliness in life.   Seeing how others behave, I am advocating the following “Don’ts” in times of vulnerability:

• Don’t pity yourself in emotional songs, movies, novels  or TV.  Some people tell me that they need a good cry, but I have the feeling that we already have enough material ourselves to make us cry our eyes out.  So wallowing in romantic tragedies only makes us fall deeper into our depression, which also makes it harder and longer to regain confidence in starting over.
• Don’t resort to fortune-telling or tarot cards or the like.  I know it’s tempting to try to get some sensing out of all the broken pieces, but such baseless advice may prolong unsubstantiated pain or misery, over some “miracles” that could never happen.  Fate is in our own hands.
• Don’t over occupy yourself.  Some people prefer to take up projects that will make themselves busy, be it taking up a new hobby, adopting a pet, or renovating their homes.  While there is nothing wrong with these constructive activities, rushing into things too soon may reinforce the reality of loneliness further.   Substituting intimacy with other human beings for a big project may pave a longer path of unhappiness.

So what are the “Dos?”

• Talk to your friends that you trust.  Open yourself up with people and try to move a little closer emotionally to people you like.  Enough with the superficial chats.  Your friends can only be as close to you as you are with them.
• Learn how to strike up meaningful conversations with new people.  Again, I’m not talking about the easy exchanges on what’s good to eat or meaningless gossips over other people.  Come on, aren’t these “friends” or acquaintances the reason you feel lonely in the first place?  It’s not the 798 friends on your Facebook profile page that makes your life fulfilling.
• Surround yourself with the right crowd of friends.  Okay, I don’t mean to sound like an elitist, because there is no definition as to what the right crowd means to everyone.  I am told that the right sorts of people are those they give you energy instead of taking it away from you.  I like this definition because I think it’s very powerful.
• Don’t demand sympathy.  Your true friends will surely take care of you, support you and encourage you without you even asking.  There is a difference between opening up yourself, asking for help, and being whinny and needy.

It certainly takes a great deal of courage and determination, but what doesn’t?